hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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