I skipped work to stalk him.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
try to milk me bitch
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