So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME