Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
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you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
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I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.