so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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