my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
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For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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