6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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