I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
