Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
