Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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