Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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