I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
