Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
This is classic penis vs brain.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.