her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
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You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?