too bad you live with your parents still
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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