Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
