I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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