Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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