just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I deserve to be covered in dicks
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
