never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
