i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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