i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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