Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
