The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
