uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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