***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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