Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
