Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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