It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
