Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
