i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
