and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
