And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
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I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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