I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
