: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
