He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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