my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
