Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
