Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
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There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
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Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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