my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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