I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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