Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.