Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?