Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
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I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
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Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom