Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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