I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
