I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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