Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
