so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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