you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
