you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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