so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
