1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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