I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I showed him my bush... on skype.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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