just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
