You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
